Sunday, January 31, 2016
Scary Reading
No longer Jaded (I really like this one)
Saturday, January 30, 2016
Holy shit, how bout a change of pace, huh? Something light.....
Friday, January 29, 2016
Rest Easy
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Fear
Monday, January 25, 2016
Voices
Mistake
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Poem and torment
Do I
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Funny day
I don't know...I've just been off. Crazy emotional and aggressive. I've felt like I wanted to sob while destroying something beautiful with a hammer
Monday, January 11, 2016
Lesson of a friend
"If there is a version of you that you'd rather be, strive to be that person and happiness will come. If you are who you want to be, fuck everyone else, happiness is in your grasp"
Saturday, January 9, 2016
Through another's eyes
Poem Update
Friday, January 8, 2016
Good to bad to worse. Discussion with myself
I think she likes me. I like her a lot whether it's wrong or right. At night, I sit up and think she maybe right, at least for what I'm going through at this time. She makes me laugh, calms me down, and accepts who I am. Along with who I was and who I believe I'm meant to be, she's there. She shows her support she shows she cares, where she stands.
From her actions, the analyst in me says that she's for real. She likes me too. Holds me in high esteem even though she knows the deal. She invades my dreams and my thoughts with things she's already said and done. In the short time that we've spent, I feel I've finally won, but I may mess this up.
I always do, with the greatest of ease. I don't know why or how or what I do or what it is about me. I'm going to fail as I always do and lose her like the others. The children's mothers, some of my friends, those who were once supporters. I can't take it again, I can't go through another loss like the last, the pain would last and corrupt my mind more than fate or the time that has passed.
She'll leave or give up like so many have, leaving me alone again. What then would I have to fall back on? What will I do then? Should I do this? Am I ready? Will I know when? I can't let her see my joy or keep her privy to my smile for at least a while. I need to shut down and sit a while. I'm so afraid. Scared of what can happen again and again. My dad tells me it's the product and the creation of sin.
I can't do it! I wont! Fuck this place! I'll leave. I'll go back to where I'm free to be the dangerous side of me. The part that makes sense and don't take any shit, his feelings and actions and words are legit. I'll hurt myself to stop the shakes caused by the loneliness and thoughts that plague my mind and heart. I'll learn to hate again, and loathe the people all around, black, white or brown. In every city and every town for what they are and their spoiled way of life they live but don't see what happens all around. The real world is full of hate, and anger, and sins committed by people who are evil with in. I'll take them out. I'll chase down the devil one more time. This time he's mine. He'll pay for what he's done to my mind!
Shh.
Slow down.
Take a moment to inhale. Remember your training. Hold on to hope, let go of your personal hell. Come back down, take it easy and sit and breathe. Find relief that you're alive and not on the streets. Realize what you have and what you can achieve. All you can be. All you are. And all you used to be.
Inhale.
Bring in the joy that she creates. The loving looks on my children's face and let it erase the hate.
Exhale.
Let out the death and pain that you have seen in life and dreams that come and go seemingly as they please. They'll come again, but fuck em right now, the only power they have is what you let out.
You'll be ready, in time, to blow her mind with your love. Right now, get better, focus on perfecting how you love.
Remember what your parents told you before.
Remember family. Remember love. Remember what you stand for.
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Battle within
My stomach is clenched. As are my fists and chest. I’m ready to fight a threat that I alone know best. I take my medicine and sit alone in the dark. Waiting for it to come and tear through and spark a cycle that I know all too well. I live it everyday. My hell.
There are sounds around me to which I don’t respond at first. I deduce that reaction at this point would do nothing but make things worse than I can handle at the moment. Just hold it and be prepared. Prepare. Prepare for what is always there.
A figure runs by my eyes, faster than human, it seems. I look to my left to follow the movement and then I notice I can’t see. My eyes are closed, I’m looking at the darkness of my mind and something inside moved past me, ready to collide. They’re talking now. I’ve heard them before. I’m not strong enough or skinny. No longer fit for war. I’m not motivated, I’m too weak. I’m unable to live alone. My future is bleak. They don’t love me. They never did and there’s no reason why they should. Look at yourself. Life has got you pinned down for good. Your brothers pity you and hand you shit and are put out because you can't clean up your mess or stand up and get out of your situation. This hell that you created by your decisions. This is a result of what you’ve done. Things you’ve said, your decisions. Think of the boys
Images of my children flood my mind. I see their laughter and there happiness and even when they cry, they’re my dawgs. My little me’s that I created with people who no longer love me or need me as they’ve stated. Because I’m a poor father now, I can admit it. They tell me I’m not, but I think they won’t admit it. I can’t provide like I could. I can’t make their lives forever good. I’ve lost the ability to play in the arena I was on the days that I was awarded. I was given accolades and applause, people came up to me an congratulated me and thanked me for my cause. And now I’m this. I broke and I’m afraid I can’t stand. They’re here again I hear them coming back. They’re laughing and their jeering. Clap Clap Clap.
You see? Your own memories tell you of your worth. You’ve lived your life, you’ve done your time. Its over. Return to earth. Think of all the ways you seen people die over the years. You could do it and it would be quick, no pain or fear. Your parents would miss you at first, but they’d just put more effort into my brothers and one another. Saving their love for those who deserve and not others. I won’t drag them down no more. I don’t think they know yet, that the loss of me will be the greatest gift they’ll get. And my boys. My boys will be hurt from this memory. Every day it may haunt them that they no longer see me. But is it better for them now to see me after I’ve fallen apart? Is it good to see that, just for doing something I believe, they ripped out my heart? Life took my body and my strength. At any length,it took my soul. What am I now? What do I do? I think its the end now.
I Pray.
Father I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to live in a way that pleases you with the situation that I have. I’m the person that I am and its hard for me to change, but I can. Please give me the strength to move on from this. This is literally my life at stake, because I no longer want to be in this place. Help me please. I don’t know what else to say but please send aid. I’m afraid. That my decision has been made.
In jesus name I pray,
Amen.
A voice comes form somewhere else that I’ve heard before as well. It comes in from time to time to tell me all is well.
You love your kids, you love her, and you love your family. You love to live, you love to laugh and, of course love to eat. You love the nights when your children sneak in bed with you in the dark. Then when you wake in the morning, they yell and scream and bark. It scares the shit out of you every time, but you love it, by far. You love it when your dog begs for a treat, or meat, or whatever the hell else she’ll eat. You love that you can write and some may read and maybe even be impressed. You love the way you want to be, no more, no less. You love the chance to prove to God that you are worthy to be his. But what you have to realize, child is this. You’re already one of God’s children. There’s nothing to prove. Love him. Love others the way that you want them to love you. Its hard to do at times, I know. But if you try hard, you’ll see, with a single glimpse of goodness, you can rise and be free. But you have to believe. Believe and act on your conviction. And listen. Listen to the wise and quit your bitchin.
I look at my phone, it’s been 30 min since my mind battled for my life. I feel a little better now, feel less strife. I don’t know what to say after these episodes or do, I just bow my head...
Lord, thank you. I know that it was you.
Our convo
me (without looking): "what a fuckin asshole."