Sunday, January 31, 2016

Scary Reading

soo......i hope you like this reading.  Its a reading of a previous poem that I wrote and posted a while ago.

No longer Jaded (I really like this one)

I'm laying down, no longer jaded and hateful.
But laughing a little because I'm faded and playful.
Time for therapy, self induced, it's time to take control.
Take advantage of the clarity I  got from this bowl
And thank the Lord for all I have and pray that I remember
This feeling of thankfulness I have when I'm  not sober.
Dig into my mind for the best memories I have
Of being a husband, lover, brother and dad.
My kids...my God, my kids are blessings wrapped in disaster.
We play and horse around and then have to clean up after.
They're little tornadoes when they touch down
Making everything crazy all around
But I love it.  They're everything to me, hands down.
And I remember that time when I was a young one,
I threw a penny at my big brother over something really dumb.
And he didn't yell, he didn't scream or whoop my ass as he could.
Should.  That's how I learned, I was hard headed in my childhood.
He sat me down and asked me to tell him what was wrong,
I don't remember what I said or what it was about or based on.
But I remember he accommodated me and let me know
I didn't have to get so mad, just talk, he's my bro.
And that's how all of them are.  That's how my family is, we're tight.
We have each other's backs, I'm in their corner, down to ride.
And I've made amazing friends over the years and where I've been.
For any of them, I'd risk my life, that's how we were when I was in.
And, my word, I love to take pictures. I love to write. It's all fun.
I feel safe, I feel secure, ain't scared of no one.
I want this to last in to when I'm good and sober
On the daily, feeling good and remembering the supporters.
So, I write this, to document my smiles, it's been a while
And I'm getting happier by the mile.
I'll read over this and thank the Lord, when my mind goes black, for the life I have.
I'll take it.  I wouldn't change it for nothin, good or bad.

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Holy shit, how bout a change of pace, huh? Something light.....

Break me off

Break me off a piece of you, please.
Tease.  Making me think these crazy things.
I watched you walk in the room
I think you saw that I saw you.
I think you saw me too, if you know what I mean,
so come with me, lets go to a place privately,
and I'll tell you about me.  I won't push a thing.
Just get to know who you are and everything.
Then maybe we'll see if we can be good
together and all.  I think we should.
Come my way and sit down next to me
and tell me things about you and me, hopefully.
 

Friday, January 29, 2016

Rest Easy

You changed my life before I had a life to change
Possibly gave me rage, or made me insane.
I barely remember what you look-like in person
There’s possibly nothing worse than 
Only remembering the pain but not the person.
I remember the fear and the confusion I had,
I remember being sad or feeling wrong or bad.
I remember the last time, what you said
Seeping into my mind and penetrating my head,
It made me so mad that I learned the strength I had,
Honed by my brothers, given by my dad.
And I faced you and kicked you as hard as I could
That you puked on the floor not breathing as you should.
And I dragged you to your elders and told them the word
And they took you a beat you and thats what I heard.
I remember the screams going through the air
Like I wasn’t listening or wasn’t there.
I remember confusion, not knowing what to do,
The person that hurt me is hurting too.

I’ve trained and I’ve learned things to make me a force,
An individual that doesn’t just let things take their course,
A person that understands humans because he’s studied,
And still has the rage, the anger that embodies
The hate I have for you inside. I’ve made it my plan to be a man
That no one will ever fuck with again.

I never saw you again. I don’t remember your name
But I carry the rage and I remember the shame
And you carry some too, and did before me
I didn’t see or understand the repeat.

You weren’t right.  You were wrong in what you did.
You shouldn’t have had those thoughts when you were a kid.
But, now that I understand humans as they can be,
I don’t forgive you or forget, but I’ve moved on, I’m free.
So I’ll say that I hate you because of your sin,
But rest easy, I won’t kill you if I see you again.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Fear

I hear, sometimes, from people that I should try harder.  And they’re probably right.
I hear I have to fight tooth and nail, like I’m fighting for my life.

Cause I am.  I have the thoughts and urges that tell me to hurt myself or others.
But I have a conscience, molded by my belief in the God of my mother.

I hear sometimes that things shouldn’t be as hard for me as they are,
I should be better by far, stronger than I am at the moment, a star.

I hear people tell me they’ve gotten through similar times and had a similar mind
That drew boundaries so they wouldn’t cross the line.

Well I’m not you.

My problems are different than yours, I have my own demon to control.
You don’t understand that when I say its inside me, I’m not exaggerating at all.
When I tell you I want to die with all my heart in that moment when I’m torn apart,
Or when I say that I may not want to see the light of day again, its just a part.
A small part of the things that are in my head about the dead, who will be or who I want dead.
A small part of the urges that make me hide to keep others safe, and I just stay in my head.

I’ve left my office due to the overwhelming urge to cause pain.
My hands would shake, my whole body would shiver because of what went on in my brain.

I come home.  I find the best place to hide where I could sit inside and smoke weed and not collide
With the outside world as I’m calming down.  Maintain my dignity, my pride.
I pray a prayer that I pray every day when I’m feeling this way inside.
I sit and bow my head, willing my hands to stop shaking and I cry.

You don’t know what I go through, because I don’t fully either.
I just know how I feel and the things that shouldn’t be there.
All I can say about this is that while you say that you can see,
Until you truly fear yourself, you don’t feel like me.

Monday, January 25, 2016

Voices

I can hear them again.  Like whispers right next to me.  
As if someone were sitting close to my ear whispering, diturbing me.
Reminding me of things that I’ve done or have lost the chance to do up to this point.
They show me all the things that I have failed in, they make their point.
And they make me see things that I’d rather forget but stay.
Things in my past that I have buried away to never see the light of day.
They consistently chant several words meant to remind me of me.
Failure.  Broken.  Afraid.  Not fit for duty.  Weak.
Tears well up as I try to fight them, I don’t have my usual tools.
Things that would make me feel better and the voices look like fools.
But now I’m strugling, mulling around in my mind: “Should I end it all?”
Who would miss me?  Who wouldn’t benefit from the deed if I had the gall?

I’m struggling with the notion and letting it fill my mind
I’m losing control, breathing is fast and in my chest, pain you’d find.
He told me.  He told me what to do in times like these
When my mind is too loud to even pray on my knees.

Speak in to the darkness and the voices that it brings.
“You’ve almost ended my life or made me do some things.
You’ve made me punch walls on which I had pounded my head
Irrationally trying to get the noise out of my head.
But its my turn now.  Its my head.  I’m in control.
You make it hard.  You make it tough.  You give your all.
But I remember something that I learned about myself as a boy
It wasn’t about games, or sports, or rambo, or toys.
I learned that when I’m down and I’m pushed into a corner,
I’ll lash out at any given time and go off with no warning.
But I’ll do it with the weapons I’ve been made to create,
Built up my compassion and love to counteract the hate.
I built my self-confidence to take away from the whispers that plague
My mind and make me dread the silence of the day.
I’m not always successful, and its hard to say when this will end.
Or if it will at all.  If I’ll always have to defend
So I’ll pray.  My God has promised to save me from what ails
It doesn’t matter what it is, difficult or not he never fails.  

Mistake

There was a time
When I had gotten cocky in my place, 
I was winning the race,
Nobody could tell me my place.

My work was top shelf, I had a wealth
Of knowledge that I gained “by myself” 
And no one else.

I’d received awards and attention for being the best,
They’d put me to the test,
And I’d passed higher than the rest.

Then I put out a document that went to the air crew,
For when they flew, 
so that they could see what they had to do.

I messed up.

I made a mistake on one of the graphics that I sent,
It didn't match the docs on the ground that went
With the team that would be taking mine in the jet.

“It was just a coupe zeros,” I thought when I realized what happened.
When I was too late to catch them,
They’d already gone on the mission.

A couple zeros, from that height at which I would plan,
Could mean miles and miles away to the ground-based man,
Who would trust my graphics as a solid fighting plan.
But the two teams were now fighting from inaccurate plans.

A few died because of the mix-up, you see,
Because of me, those soldiers no longer run free
And it haunts me to this day, I see it in my dreams.
As if I were there when it happened on the scene.

I hear the screams.

I hear the shouts of those who would come back to haunt me when I rest.
I think of the pain of their families in the mess 
An education in pointlessness.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Poem and torment

I've updated my poem page with the poems that I've posted on the blog.  Also, I started writing in torment but got distracted so there's a new paragraph that I plan on adding to today.

Do I

All of me,
All that I am seems changed and new.
The product of what I've been through. 
Now What am I to you?
Do I still get respect for what I've done
In this life?
For the man that I've become,
Despite 
the time I spent undone?  
What has my life become?
Can I reach the heights I'd planned,
While I failed to withstand
A stress so severe it broke my soul.
If I'm not whole,
Do I deserve your love at all?

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Funny day

I don't know...I've just been off.  Crazy emotional and aggressive.  I've felt like I wanted to sob while destroying something beautiful with a hammer

Monday, January 11, 2016

Lesson of a friend

"If there is a version of you that you'd rather be, strive to be that person and happiness will come.  If you are who you want to be, fuck everyone else, happiness is in your grasp"

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Through another's eyes

I could stare into your eyes as much as I can, or as much as you’d let me.  I could inspect you with my eyes, see the beauty there that others see when they tell me.  I can look at your smile that I’ve been told can light up a room, I’ve seen it in action, I was standing right by you.  I can remember the way that your smile made me feel, remember that it meant “all was good here.”  Your shoulders were big and broad and your arms, strong, though I told you it wouldn’t make me love you more just as long as you are you, do you recall?  I told you all the time that when you fall, you can get back up if you give it your all.  I could remember all the praise that I’ve seen you receive, all the accolades and things that look like trophies. And I could reminisce on the times when you’ve taken lead and lead the family or troops or whatever it be into doing and being things they were meant to be.  A better them.  A better you.  A better me.  
I remember the time at that formal dinner where you were a winner of sorts, you got an award for showing inner strength to those above you and in charge of you then. I saw the perfect you then.  I remember him. 
That man isn’t there anymore. It could be anxiety, depression or war; or stress of normal life and strife that seems to find you all day and night inside of your mind, created by things that I wish you could put behind you but you cant.  I know it’s hard.  I know your reality is harder than most.  I know you have your demons, your skeletons your ghosts. And I know that you love me more than yourself and all ways will, I know the deal.  I know the things you’ve told me are real.  
But whatever it is inside you, it’s eating you alive.  You’ve lost the will to live and lost the drive to thrive in the situation that we’re in.  You don’t want to fight for what we have, need or deserve.  You haven’t learned things that, by now, that you should have learned.  Your attitude is affecting the children, your friends, family, me.  Everyone around suffers while you’re suffering and I know that you try, love, trust me I do.  But you let this beat you.  At this rate, you’re through.  And I won’t be there for that, its been years since we had our first chat about your fears of admitting you had a mental problem.  And you’ve declined because your pride won’t let you admit or try to tell the truth to those that can help you.  I’m sorry.  I’m through.  But I want you to always know,  I truly loved you.

Poem Update

I've updated my poems.  I plan on updating torment soon.


Friday, January 8, 2016

Good to bad to worse. Discussion with myself

I think she likes me.  I like her a lot whether it's wrong or right. At night, I sit up and think she maybe right, at least for what I'm going through at this time.  She makes me laugh, calms me down, and accepts who I am.  Along with who I was and who I believe I'm meant to be, she's there.  She shows her support she shows she cares, where she stands. 
From her actions, the analyst in me says that she's for real.  She likes me too.  Holds me in high esteem even though she knows the deal. She invades my dreams and my thoughts with things she's already said and done.  In the short time that we've spent, I feel I've finally won, but I may mess this up.
I always do, with the greatest of ease.  I don't know why or how or what I do or what it is about me.  I'm going to fail as I always do and lose her like the others.  The children's mothers, some of my friends, those who were once supporters.  I can't take it again, I can't go through another loss like the last, the pain would last and corrupt my mind more than fate or the time that has passed.
She'll leave or give up like so many have, leaving me alone again.  What then would I have to fall back on?  What will I do then?  Should I do this? Am I ready? Will I know when?  I can't let her see my joy or keep her privy to my smile for at least a while.  I need to shut down and sit a while.  I'm so afraid.  Scared of what can happen again and again.  My dad tells me it's the product and the creation of sin.
I can't do it!  I wont!  Fuck this place! I'll leave.  I'll go back to where I'm free to be the dangerous side of me.  The part that makes sense and don't take any shit,  his feelings and actions and words are legit.  I'll hurt myself to stop the shakes caused by the loneliness and thoughts that plague my mind and heart.  I'll learn to hate again, and loathe the people all around, black, white or brown.  In every city and every town for what they are and their spoiled way of life they live but don't see what happens all around.  The real world is full of hate, and anger, and sins committed by people who are evil with in. I'll take them out.  I'll chase down the devil one more time. This time he's mine.  He'll pay for what he's done to my mind!
Shh.
Slow down.
Take a moment to inhale.  Remember your training.  Hold on to hope, let go of your personal hell.  Come back down, take it easy and sit and breathe.  Find relief that you're alive and not on the streets.  Realize what you have and what you can achieve.  All you can be.  All you are.  And all you used to be.
Inhale.
Bring in the joy that she creates. The loving looks on my children's face and let it erase the hate.
Exhale.
Let out the death and pain that you have seen in life and dreams that come and go seemingly as they please.  They'll come again, but fuck em right now, the only power they have is what you let out. 
You'll be ready, in time, to blow her mind with your love.  Right now, get better, focus on perfecting how you love.
Remember what your parents told you before.
Remember family.  Remember love.  Remember what you stand for.

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Battle within

My stomach is clenched.  As are my fists and chest.  I’m ready to fight a threat that I alone know best.  I take my medicine and sit alone in the dark.  Waiting for it to come and tear through and spark a cycle that I know all too well. I live it everyday.  My hell.

There are sounds around me to which I don’t respond at first.  I deduce that reaction at this point would do nothing but make things worse than I can handle at the moment.  Just hold it and be prepared.  Prepare.  Prepare for what is always there.

A figure runs by my eyes, faster than human, it seems.  I look to my left to follow the movement and then I notice I can’t see.  My eyes are closed, I’m looking at the darkness of my mind and something inside moved past me, ready to collide.  They’re talking now.  I’ve heard them before.  I’m not strong enough or skinny.  No longer fit for war.  I’m not motivated, I’m too weak.  I’m unable to live alone.  My future is bleak. They don’t love me. They never did and there’s no reason why they should.  Look at yourself.  Life has got you pinned down for good.  Your brothers pity you and hand you shit and are put out because you can't  clean up your mess or stand up and get out of your situation.  This hell that you created by your decisions.  This is a result of what you’ve done.  Things you’ve said, your decisions. Think of the boys

Images of my children flood my mind. I see their laughter and there happiness and even when they cry, they’re my dawgs.  My little me’s that I created with people who no longer love me or need me as they’ve stated.  Because I’m a poor father now, I can admit it.  They tell me I’m not, but I think they won’t admit it.  I can’t provide like I could.  I can’t make their lives forever good.  I’ve lost the ability to play in the arena I was on the days that I was awarded.  I was given accolades and applause, people came up to me an congratulated me and thanked me for my cause.  And now I’m this.  I broke and I’m afraid I can’t stand.  They’re here again I hear them coming back.  They’re laughing and their jeering.  Clap Clap Clap.

You see? Your own memories tell you of your worth.  You’ve lived your life, you’ve done your time.  Its over.  Return to earth.  Think of all the ways you seen people die over the years.  You could do it and it would be quick, no pain or fear.  Your parents would miss you at first, but they’d just put more effort into my brothers and one another. Saving their love for those who deserve and not others.  I won’t drag them down no more.  I don’t think they know yet, that the loss of me will be the greatest gift they’ll get.  And my boys.  My boys will be hurt from this memory.  Every day it may haunt them that they no longer see me.  But is it better for them now to see me after I’ve fallen apart?  Is it good to see that, just for doing something I believe, they ripped out my heart?  Life took my body and my strength.  At any length,it took my soul.  What am I now?  What do I do? I think its the end now. 

I Pray.

Father I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know how to live in a way that pleases you with the situation that I have.  I’m the person that I am and its hard for me to change, but I can.  Please give me the strength to move on from this.  This is literally my life at stake, because I no longer want to be in this place.  Help me please.  I don’t know what else to say but please send aid.  I’m afraid.  That my decision has been made.

In jesus name I pray,

Amen.

A voice comes form somewhere else that I’ve heard before as well.  It comes in from time to time to tell me all is well.

You love your kids, you love her, and you love your family.  You love to live, you love to laugh and, of course love to eat.  You love the nights when your children sneak in bed with you in the dark.  Then when you wake in the morning, they yell and scream and bark.  It scares the shit out of you every time, but you love it, by far. You love it when your dog begs for a treat, or meat, or whatever the hell else she’ll eat.  You love that you can write and some may read and maybe even be impressed.  You love the way you want to be, no more, no less.  You love the chance to prove to God that you are worthy to be his.   But what you have to realize, child is this.  You’re already one of God’s children.  There’s nothing to prove.  Love him.  Love others the way that you want them to love you.  Its hard to do at times, I know.  But if you try hard, you’ll see, with a single glimpse of goodness, you can rise and be free.  But you have to believe.  Believe and act on your conviction. And listen.  Listen to the wise and quit your bitchin. 

I look at my phone, it’s been 30 min since my mind battled for my life. I feel a little better now, feel less strife.  I don’t know what to say after these episodes or do, I just bow my head...

Lord, thank you.  I know that it was you.

Our convo

him: "Dude, check out this guy.  He's the stereotypical old British driver.  Driving gloves and all."

me (without looking):  "what a fuckin asshole."

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Another Episode

There's feeling in my chest that I sometimes feel.  In the dead of night, when all is quiet and it seems that I'm the only thing that's real in this cold dark world.  It stings in a way that I can't describe.  Like its excitement, but overshadowed by the pain I hold inside. This pain.  This disruptive and belligerent pain that won't leave no matter how many blows I deliver.  With the arrows from my quiver that represent thoughts and affirmations I've ever been given or helped to think of myself.  It's a pain with a mind, it reminds me why it's there bringing memories and scenes front my past, seen or unseen, from which I want to escape and be free.  But I cant.  They're tethered to me.  Connected at this painful point.  A point of rage for me. It builds into that, pushing hate through my veins and into the tips of my fingers.  My hands remember the feel of a knife and remember that they can be bringers and deliverers of a type of pain much like the one their owner suffers under.  They remember.  And they anxiously wait command.  I blink and shake a bit, staring down at my hand.  A chill rolls down my spine, my body quivers as it does.  A tingling feeling travels from my forehead to my toes.  
My mind takes hold, but not the part of my mind that I’d like to.  Its the instinct, the fight or flight brain that I give into.  Thoughts of running through the streets, possibly hurting others as I go.  I must find a place to hide, a place where this wont show.  I lock myself in my john and sit down and wait for a spell.  I have my meds in my pocket, given to me for this kind of hell.  I take one and breathe deep holding tears inside. This is the third time today that I’ve been down this ride.  I breathe out, my hands still shaking from the anger.  I’m a little calmer now, but I still feel like there’s a danger.  I’m afraid to leave this room, there are no hiding places or ways to get behind me.  Its hard to find me.  And if I’m found its easier to defend me.  There are voices now that tell me there are things behind the door.  I plug my ears and kneel a bit and sit on the floor.  I breathe in and close my eyes and hold it for a moment.  I repeat in my mind that those thoughts are mine and they’re unfounded, just proponent of the fears that I hold inside.  In my mind and my core.  In this, you can be sure, they’re be there evermore. 
I sit back against the porcelain throne and reach around it to find a tool I use in these situations,  my trusty, favorite pipe. 

Real time description of panic

I’m starting to freak and I’m trying to control myself.  I was thinking about finances and the house and the work that needs done and I need glasses and I have to get josie spayed all this week while filling out paperwork for social security and dealing with that aspect of things.  My chest started to feel like there was a surge of energy.  It started to get hard to breathe.  My chest and stomach clenched so hard it caused pain.  I started trying to calm down by controlling my breaths.  I felt like something dropped to the pit of my stomach.  I was able to breathe a little deeper.  Now I have a slight version of the energetic pain in my chest.  Im still able to hold a conversation.  My thoughts are dark while I converse with my nephew.  We are talking about computers and I’m picturing throwing a chair at the guy across the room because I don’t like his face.  I just took my medicine and am waiting for it to take hold.  I’m a little calmer now.  Im breathing a little easier.  The whole experience lasted about 15 - 20 min.