Good to bad to worse. Discussion with myself

I think she likes me.  I like her a lot whether it's wrong or right. At night, I sit up and think she maybe right, at least for what I'm going through at this time.  She makes me laugh, calms me down, and accepts who I am.  Along with who I was and who I believe I'm meant to be, she's there.  She shows her support she shows she cares, where she stands. 
From her actions, the analyst in me says that she's for real.  She likes me too.  Holds me in high esteem even though she knows the deal. She invades my dreams and my thoughts with things she's already said and done.  In the short time that we've spent, I feel I've finally won, but I may mess this up.
I always do, with the greatest of ease.  I don't know why or how or what I do or what it is about me.  I'm going to fail as I always do and lose her like the others.  The children's mothers, some of my friends, those who were once supporters.  I can't take it again, I can't go through another loss like the last, the pain would last and corrupt my mind more than fate or the time that has passed.
She'll leave or give up like so many have, leaving me alone again.  What then would I have to fall back on?  What will I do then?  Should I do this? Am I ready? Will I know when?  I can't let her see my joy or keep her privy to my smile for at least a while.  I need to shut down and sit a while.  I'm so afraid.  Scared of what can happen again and again.  My dad tells me it's the product and the creation of sin.
I can't do it!  I wont!  Fuck this place! I'll leave.  I'll go back to where I'm free to be the dangerous side of me.  The part that makes sense and don't take any shit,  his feelings and actions and words are legit.  I'll hurt myself to stop the shakes caused by the loneliness and thoughts that plague my mind and heart.  I'll learn to hate again, and loathe the people all around, black, white or brown.  In every city and every town for what they are and their spoiled way of life they live but don't see what happens all around.  The real world is full of hate, and anger, and sins committed by people who are evil with in. I'll take them out.  I'll chase down the devil one more time. This time he's mine.  He'll pay for what he's done to my mind!
Shh.
Slow down.
Take a moment to inhale.  Remember your training.  Hold on to hope, let go of your personal hell.  Come back down, take it easy and sit and breathe.  Find relief that you're alive and not on the streets.  Realize what you have and what you can achieve.  All you can be.  All you are.  And all you used to be.
Inhale.
Bring in the joy that she creates. The loving looks on my children's face and let it erase the hate.
Exhale.
Let out the death and pain that you have seen in life and dreams that come and go seemingly as they please.  They'll come again, but fuck em right now, the only power they have is what you let out. 
You'll be ready, in time, to blow her mind with your love.  Right now, get better, focus on perfecting how you love.
Remember what your parents told you before.
Remember family.  Remember love.  Remember what you stand for.