My stomach is clenched. As are my fists and chest. I’m ready to fight a threat that I alone know best. I take my medicine and sit alone in the dark. Waiting for it to come and tear through and spark a cycle that I know all too well. I live it everyday. My hell.
There are sounds around me to which I don’t respond at first. I deduce that reaction at this point would do nothing but make things worse than I can handle at the moment. Just hold it and be prepared. Prepare. Prepare for what is always there.
A figure runs by my eyes, faster than human, it seems. I look to my left to follow the movement and then I notice I can’t see. My eyes are closed, I’m looking at the darkness of my mind and something inside moved past me, ready to collide. They’re talking now. I’ve heard them before. I’m not strong enough or skinny. No longer fit for war. I’m not motivated, I’m too weak. I’m unable to live alone. My future is bleak. They don’t love me. They never did and there’s no reason why they should. Look at yourself. Life has got you pinned down for good. Your brothers pity you and hand you shit and are put out because you can't clean up your mess or stand up and get out of your situation. This hell that you created by your decisions. This is a result of what you’ve done. Things you’ve said, your decisions. Think of the boys
Images of my children flood my mind. I see their laughter and there happiness and even when they cry, they’re my dawgs. My little me’s that I created with people who no longer love me or need me as they’ve stated. Because I’m a poor father now, I can admit it. They tell me I’m not, but I think they won’t admit it. I can’t provide like I could. I can’t make their lives forever good. I’ve lost the ability to play in the arena I was on the days that I was awarded. I was given accolades and applause, people came up to me an congratulated me and thanked me for my cause. And now I’m this. I broke and I’m afraid I can’t stand. They’re here again I hear them coming back. They’re laughing and their jeering. Clap Clap Clap.
You see? Your own memories tell you of your worth. You’ve lived your life, you’ve done your time. Its over. Return to earth. Think of all the ways you seen people die over the years. You could do it and it would be quick, no pain or fear. Your parents would miss you at first, but they’d just put more effort into my brothers and one another. Saving their love for those who deserve and not others. I won’t drag them down no more. I don’t think they know yet, that the loss of me will be the greatest gift they’ll get. And my boys. My boys will be hurt from this memory. Every day it may haunt them that they no longer see me. But is it better for them now to see me after I’ve fallen apart? Is it good to see that, just for doing something I believe, they ripped out my heart? Life took my body and my strength. At any length,it took my soul. What am I now? What do I do? I think its the end now.
I Pray.
Father I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to live in a way that pleases you with the situation that I have. I’m the person that I am and its hard for me to change, but I can. Please give me the strength to move on from this. This is literally my life at stake, because I no longer want to be in this place. Help me please. I don’t know what else to say but please send aid. I’m afraid. That my decision has been made.
In jesus name I pray,
Amen.
A voice comes form somewhere else that I’ve heard before as well. It comes in from time to time to tell me all is well.
You love your kids, you love her, and you love your family. You love to live, you love to laugh and, of course love to eat. You love the nights when your children sneak in bed with you in the dark. Then when you wake in the morning, they yell and scream and bark. It scares the shit out of you every time, but you love it, by far. You love it when your dog begs for a treat, or meat, or whatever the hell else she’ll eat. You love that you can write and some may read and maybe even be impressed. You love the way you want to be, no more, no less. You love the chance to prove to God that you are worthy to be his. But what you have to realize, child is this. You’re already one of God’s children. There’s nothing to prove. Love him. Love others the way that you want them to love you. Its hard to do at times, I know. But if you try hard, you’ll see, with a single glimpse of goodness, you can rise and be free. But you have to believe. Believe and act on your conviction. And listen. Listen to the wise and quit your bitchin.
I look at my phone, it’s been 30 min since my mind battled for my life. I feel a little better now, feel less strife. I don’t know what to say after these episodes or do, I just bow my head...
Lord, thank you. I know that it was you.
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