Scary

I read a text from you today.  It said that you miss me.  I couldn’t help but read it again.  I mean, all the times you would kiss me and hold me and hold my hand, reminding me of my strength.  The most support I’ve received from a woman for any length
of time. 
And now I cry
Facing this life alone, without you by my side, my life, my home.  What do I do now?  When I’m beaten down and crushed by the weight of the things that plague me, the love and even hate.  I have no one.  I lost him too, the best friend that I had.  All I can do is give in to the rage that masks the fact that I'm sad.  It swallows the tears before I cry them, two of my best friends in life,  what do I do with out them?
I don’t know anymore.  My thoughts are racing so fast that I don’t know if I can take it, I don’t know if ill last.  I feel it building.  The hate that I feel inside is strong.  It helps me forget who I am and combat whats wrong. 
Fuck them, then, I don’t need them.  I don’t want them in my life.  They don’t deserve my respect or satisfaction when I cry.  They don’t deserve to see me smile.  They don’t deserve to see me breaking. Faking smiles with my friends and hating life deep inside. Ill kill them both.  Both will know the extent of my rage. They will feel it coming, but have nowhere to run from my rage.  I have trained to cause harm with my hands and cause more with my mind. I will shatter everything they know, then see what they can find together.  Fuckin tell me that you’ll do it again.  All that’s on my mind is hate and sin.  UntiI I have a moment of clarity coming from somewhere with in.  Its God this time reminding me who I am inside.  Drop to my knees pray for strength to find me again.  stay inside, hurt myself to stop the shaking.  Slow the thoughts, it’s the cycle in my head that I’m breaking.    I’m better than that.  I remind myself over and over.  Hurting someone won't change the fact that its over.  Or the fact that I can’t run away from the sadness.  Nor will it change the hate, or rage, or loneliness or madness.  The biggest thing it won't change, and would exacerbate most…..at the end of the day, it hurts cause I love them both.