Wake and bake

I feel it building.  Coming over me like an eclipse of the soul.  Washing over my smiles with shadow, a tear falls in the bowl that I just loaded.  Packed it tight, I can't sleep through the screams.  I cant block them out, they're in my mind and my dreams.  I just awoke to the sound of gunshots and women crying.  Was it real?  My dog is not responding and everything now seems still. 

I take a hit off the pipe, still hearing the echos of screams from my dreams and it seems rage is running through my mind and being.  I close my eyes and hold in my breath for full effect.  I breathe out with a prayer that the herb does what I expect and stop the shaking that almost keeps me from sparking my next hit.  I get one in, sit back and wait for it to hit.  I close my eyes and focus on the sound of the fan, some images in my mind still of random violence and innocents crying, dying, trying to get away from the man.  He's holding a gun, trained and ready to ride for what he believes in and for his people's pride.  I open my eyes and take another hit.  Then I sit waiting for it to do its trick.  Finally, the pain in my chest subsides, I exhale slowly and rub my eyes.  Now I realize that my hands no longer shake.  I breathe deep again, relaxing my shoulders, enjoying the break.  I pray God for forgiveness for being weaker than I used to be, but I don't know what else to do, without it, I'm not free to think without wanting to hurt others or myself because of my rage, while my body breaks down and crumbles before the age that it was meant to fade.   But in this moment there's no pain, even laughing at good memories of my brothers, my friends, and the people that support me. I thank God for them, I thank God for life and I bow my head and pray that God help me through the strife that I know is coming on this day.  When the high is gone, life goes on and the shadows return.  I pray that I remember what I feel only in times like these, there's good in the world, it's worth fighting for, indeed

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