Attack

It starts out with a thought.  Maybe a memory of a mistake.  My thoughts get dark, seemingly from some other place.  Things like rage and violence float in and out of my mind, thoughts of ending it all, leaving it all behind.  I retreat to my spot so I can hide and relax, keep everyone safe, calm down before I go back. My hands start to shake and my breathing starts to quicken, I start to sweat and get dizzy, the panic starts to set in.  I hunch over and sit, trying to catch my air. Its like reaching and grasping for shit that ain’t there.  My stomach cramps and I vomit, Im outta breath, I feel weak.  Im on my knees now, all tensed up, I can’t speak.  I scream out in my mind “take a breath, hold it in!  Get back up. Rise up.  On your feet again!”  I think of all of my kids, my parents, my brothers.  All my mentors, examples, friends and others.  I pray God help me to be who they know I can be.  Let their highest perception of me, be my reality.  Give me the strength to stand again and see.  The things that they see when they see me.