Life

I sit and I think and consider my life.  Often times had no clue how to get through the strife. And I broke and I stumbled and laid down for a while and now my goal every day is to muster a smile. 
I started out kicking ass and running shit where I landed.  I broke records, set precedents with every hand I was handed.  Getting awards a recognition for serving my country, fighting in wars with intellect, aiding terrorist hunting.  Then I saw what we did, while chasing after the devil.  Killed innocent people while trying to stay on the level.  Destroying cities and towns where the targets were hiding, bringing them out in the open to continue the fighting.  
Mothers cried and shouted, seeing the dead all around.  Bloody blankets wrapped around  bodies laying still on the ground.  A mother holds a dead child, weeping and screaming “why” to Allah, and I told myself “take it easy, your just doing your job.” 
I watched over soldiers outside the wire ,completing their mission. Made friends with my contact, talked about wives we were missing. They got ambushed, a fire fight broke out on the scene, the man on the screen asked for help from me.  But my people were far out, on their way to the spot, without clearance to help though the situation was hot.  “Where’s my support?” asked the man on the ground, as he pleaded.  I couldn’t give him the help he asked for yet that he needed.  Many died while we waited for permission to aid. Someone caught shrapnel in the neck from a frag grenade. 
And for what? 
So the generals can add a new ribbon?  So the president can smile at the praise he was given?  Given by the greedy and war hungry people and groups, lining their pockets with the sacrifice and lives of the troops.  War is a business and they will always be seeking the profit.  I, myself, alone couldn’t stop it. 
After a while, I broke, guess I couldn’t handle the stress.  And could no longer see the good that was supposed to come from the mess.  Thoughts racing, telling me to fight and hurt others.  Kill everyone; men, children and mothers.  Rage building as I combat the feelings inside, keeping others safe by running and committing to hide.  Chilling in closets, restrooms, and bathroom stalls to stay calm, taking time away from school, work and all. 
I lost jobs, my family and my friends to the pain.  Felt like I was wounded, lying alone in the rain.  Some one save me from myself, I scream, I implore.  Locked myself in tight spaces, crying, smoking weed on the floor.  Committed myself to finding ways to get relief quicker, drowning my sorrows and pain and demons in liquor. 
Sat in my car with a pipe and some blue dream to smoke.  Got tired of everything and, again, I broke.  Closed the garage and the car door and started the car, smoked a bowl, crying, I used to be a star. I was strong once, a force of nature to fear.  Then I gave in to the anger, the hate, the fear.  My nephew came in and saved my pathetic life, trying  to give me hope and support to get me through the strife.  
Now I sit and I think with new meds in me.  Realize that I’m done with that life now, I'm free.  Now trying to be what I was meant to be. Which is just the best me that I can be.