Wake and bake

I feel it building.  Coming over me like an eclipse of the soul.  Washing over my smiles with shadow, a tear falls in the bowl that I just loaded.  Packed it tight, I can't sleep through the screams.  I cant block them out, they're in my mind and my dreams.  I just awoke to the sound of gunshots and women crying.  Was it real?  My dog is not responding and everything now seems still. 

I take a hit off the pipe, still hearing the echos of screams from my dreams and it seems rage is running through my mind and being.  I close my eyes and hold in my breath for full effect.  I breathe out with a prayer that the herb does what I expect and stop the shaking that almost keeps me from sparking my next hit.  I get one in, sit back and wait for it to hit.  I close my eyes and focus on the sound of the fan, some images in my mind still of random violence and innocents crying, dying, trying to get away from the man.  He's holding a gun, trained and ready to ride for what he believes in and for his people's pride.  I open my eyes and take another hit.  Then I sit waiting for it to do its trick.  Finally, the pain in my chest subsides, I exhale slowly and rub my eyes.  Now I realize that my hands no longer shake.  I breathe deep again, relaxing my shoulders, enjoying the break.  I pray God for forgiveness for being weaker than I used to be, but I don't know what else to do, without it, I'm not free to think without wanting to hurt others or myself because of my rage, while my body breaks down and crumbles before the age that it was meant to fade.   But in this moment there's no pain, even laughing at good memories of my brothers, my friends, and the people that support me. I thank God for them, I thank God for life and I bow my head and pray that God help me through the strife that I know is coming on this day.  When the high is gone, life goes on and the shadows return.  I pray that I remember what I feel only in times like these, there's good in the world, it's worth fighting for, indeed

.

Attack

It starts out with a thought.  Maybe a memory of a mistake.  My thoughts get dark, seemingly from some other place.  Things like rage and violence float in and out of my mind, thoughts of ending it all, leaving it all behind.  I retreat to my spot so I can hide and relax, keep everyone safe, calm down before I go back. My hands start to shake and my breathing starts to quicken, I start to sweat and get dizzy, the panic starts to set in.  I hunch over and sit, trying to catch my air. Its like reaching and grasping for shit that ain’t there.  My stomach cramps and I vomit, Im outta breath, I feel weak.  Im on my knees now, all tensed up, I can’t speak.  I scream out in my mind “take a breath, hold it in!  Get back up. Rise up.  On your feet again!”  I think of all of my kids, my parents, my brothers.  All my mentors, examples, friends and others.  I pray God help me to be who they know I can be.  Let their highest perception of me, be my reality.  Give me the strength to stand again and see.  The things that they see when they see me.  

Terabyte Drive

Remember when a terabyte drive actually looked like it could be a terabyte drive?

Trees

"Is this girl scout cookies?"

"My dude didn't have a name for it."

"Maybe its called 'it ruined my life'...."

Twitter

I created a twitter account.  Not sure what to do with it.  But I'm gonna try it out.

https://twitter.com/artery_mob

I created a facebook page!  Its about time I got with the times.....

Fuckin FaceBook

Fuck humanity

So...after being in a job where it's employees look bad because rough situations, I sympathize with police that have hard decisions.  But I saw a few actual videos of police shooting people who either have their hands up or are walking away.  Maybe it's just me....but in every situatuon where I have been taught to use a firearm, if my target is nonchalantly walking away and I shoot him instead of detaining him, it's unjustified.  I guess I just don't understand.  And it's not just black people it's anyone.  And it's all over the country.  I'm not even outraged...I'm just shocked.  I've seen a lot of messed up shit...and I was shocked.  Who are these assholes that go against their training?  I suppose I could treat cops like everyone treats Muslims and just hate anyone with a badge.  Because that mentality apparently makes sense to the majority of the populace.  I don't understand that either.  It seems like....people in general are just idiots.  Alot of my friends wonder why I hate humanity....watch the news.  Watch that asshole on fox.  Maybe I'm not different.  Maybe I'm just right

Scary

I read a text from you today.  It said that you miss me.  I couldn’t help but read it again.  I mean, all the times you would kiss me and hold me and hold my hand, reminding me of my strength.  The most support I’ve received from a woman for any length
of time. 
And now I cry
Facing this life alone, without you by my side, my life, my home.  What do I do now?  When I’m beaten down and crushed by the weight of the things that plague me, the love and even hate.  I have no one.  I lost him too, the best friend that I had.  All I can do is give in to the rage that masks the fact that I'm sad.  It swallows the tears before I cry them, two of my best friends in life,  what do I do with out them?
I don’t know anymore.  My thoughts are racing so fast that I don’t know if I can take it, I don’t know if ill last.  I feel it building.  The hate that I feel inside is strong.  It helps me forget who I am and combat whats wrong. 
Fuck them, then, I don’t need them.  I don’t want them in my life.  They don’t deserve my respect or satisfaction when I cry.  They don’t deserve to see me smile.  They don’t deserve to see me breaking. Faking smiles with my friends and hating life deep inside. Ill kill them both.  Both will know the extent of my rage. They will feel it coming, but have nowhere to run from my rage.  I have trained to cause harm with my hands and cause more with my mind. I will shatter everything they know, then see what they can find together.  Fuckin tell me that you’ll do it again.  All that’s on my mind is hate and sin.  UntiI I have a moment of clarity coming from somewhere with in.  Its God this time reminding me who I am inside.  Drop to my knees pray for strength to find me again.  stay inside, hurt myself to stop the shaking.  Slow the thoughts, it’s the cycle in my head that I’m breaking.    I’m better than that.  I remind myself over and over.  Hurting someone won't change the fact that its over.  Or the fact that I can’t run away from the sadness.  Nor will it change the hate, or rage, or loneliness or madness.  The biggest thing it won't change, and would exacerbate most…..at the end of the day, it hurts cause I love them both.

Life

I sit and I think and consider my life.  Often times had no clue how to get through the strife. And I broke and I stumbled and laid down for a while and now my goal every day is to muster a smile. 
I started out kicking ass and running shit where I landed.  I broke records, set precedents with every hand I was handed.  Getting awards a recognition for serving my country, fighting in wars with intellect, aiding terrorist hunting.  Then I saw what we did, while chasing after the devil.  Killed innocent people while trying to stay on the level.  Destroying cities and towns where the targets were hiding, bringing them out in the open to continue the fighting.  
Mothers cried and shouted, seeing the dead all around.  Bloody blankets wrapped around  bodies laying still on the ground.  A mother holds a dead child, weeping and screaming “why” to Allah, and I told myself “take it easy, your just doing your job.” 
I watched over soldiers outside the wire ,completing their mission. Made friends with my contact, talked about wives we were missing. They got ambushed, a fire fight broke out on the scene, the man on the screen asked for help from me.  But my people were far out, on their way to the spot, without clearance to help though the situation was hot.  “Where’s my support?” asked the man on the ground, as he pleaded.  I couldn’t give him the help he asked for yet that he needed.  Many died while we waited for permission to aid. Someone caught shrapnel in the neck from a frag grenade. 
And for what? 
So the generals can add a new ribbon?  So the president can smile at the praise he was given?  Given by the greedy and war hungry people and groups, lining their pockets with the sacrifice and lives of the troops.  War is a business and they will always be seeking the profit.  I, myself, alone couldn’t stop it. 
After a while, I broke, guess I couldn’t handle the stress.  And could no longer see the good that was supposed to come from the mess.  Thoughts racing, telling me to fight and hurt others.  Kill everyone; men, children and mothers.  Rage building as I combat the feelings inside, keeping others safe by running and committing to hide.  Chilling in closets, restrooms, and bathroom stalls to stay calm, taking time away from school, work and all. 
I lost jobs, my family and my friends to the pain.  Felt like I was wounded, lying alone in the rain.  Some one save me from myself, I scream, I implore.  Locked myself in tight spaces, crying, smoking weed on the floor.  Committed myself to finding ways to get relief quicker, drowning my sorrows and pain and demons in liquor. 
Sat in my car with a pipe and some blue dream to smoke.  Got tired of everything and, again, I broke.  Closed the garage and the car door and started the car, smoked a bowl, crying, I used to be a star. I was strong once, a force of nature to fear.  Then I gave in to the anger, the hate, the fear.  My nephew came in and saved my pathetic life, trying  to give me hope and support to get me through the strife.  
Now I sit and I think with new meds in me.  Realize that I’m done with that life now, I'm free.  Now trying to be what I was meant to be. Which is just the best me that I can be.