Torment part 1

Just finished the first draft of part 1!  feel free to let me know what you think.  Check out the page.

I added an entry into torment!!!

I ADDED AN ENTRY INTO TORMENT!!!!!!!

HE

He comes to me in the silence

breaking concentration, taking aspirations

and making me feel violent.

He speaks to me when I'm down

or when I need or when I bleed.

Makes me feel like I'll drown.

Hate, self-loathing, fear, death.

It seems the things inside my dreams

are coming to life and are all that's left.

The music doesn't always stop the game,

nor does the television always stop the pain.

He stays in my brain. At times, I fight to no avail,

stuck living in this tailor-made hell.

ITS ME.

My negative thoughts and feelings,

somehow embodied in my dreams,

in my thoughts and insecurities.

My dark side almost brought to life

to combat the strife and things that I hide.

A dark side that makes me powerful enough to fight.

A side that is selfish, rageful, far from the light.

And he wants to take over and make me him….again.

Which is the me that is willing to give in to sin.

Give in to hatred. Give in to Rage. Give in to fear.

Be on guard, ready to destroy anything near.

Ready to fight for my life at any time or any place.

Ready to prove that I'm strong, and powerful this way.

He drinks until he drops everyday of his life,

he punches walls, bangs his head on doors, trying to fight

trying to push himself to be the greatest and have it known by all.

He could have been the greatest, his actions made him destined for a fall.

My actions. His actions. We are one in the same.

I was him for a period of time and should take the blame.

I can't give in, He doesn't think about whats best.

He doesn't know how to function in life or pass the tests

set out by God or fate or the universe or whatever you believe,

he doesn't see the things that civilized people see.

So I thank him for the strength that he's brought out of me,

when I was him, he made me see the things that I could be,

and strive for perfection, for a moment, I believed in me.

But he's not needed anymore. I believe on my own, now. His time has passed.

It's my turn to live, demon, say good-bye and breathe your last.

Curse Words

Fuck.

I did it again.

I went and made a mistake again.

I know the right and I choose to sin,

And then wonder why I can't win.

Shit.

My brain tells me to lay down and rest.

I tried my hardest and did my best.

It's ok that I didn't pass the test.

Bullshit.

That's not my brain, that's the devil inside of me.

I will not lay down and wait to die and keep myself from being free.

I won't let my hard work be in vain or let my struggle just be.

God Dammit,

I'll change my thoughts and make myself whole again.

I won't depend on someone else to make me happy within.

I won't look elsewhere for happiness, and I'll get back up when I sin.

I'll approach my daily struggle and know that I may sometimes lose.

But I will get up and fight again because I  fuckin' choose.

In my head

I was writing today and something happened that I very much disliked.  And I thought "God, I hate my life."  And then came another thought, seemingly from someone else (read the description at the top) that said "You don't hate your life.  You're just sad because your life sucks."

Fun (written in one sitting as it came to me...because I'm silly)

My lighters are arranged in such away that they look like a “V”

But next to my phone, it makes a fan-type shape, fingers three.

I’m listening to Jay-z and more than a little faded, maybe,

But I’m happy at the moment, quite honestly. 

And that doesn’t often happen to me, I’m not usually free

Of worry or fear or pain or all three.

So, I like times like these, I’m loose and free.

Lucifer, dawn of the morning, come to me

And tell me your plans for things that will be.

And I’ll combat you with all the good in me

And set free the minds and hearts of the free.

The more you talk and the more you irkin’ me,

The more you gonna need memorial servicing,

Those aren’t the exact lyrics you see,

But I’m just flowing, it’s just coming out of me.

All I need in this life of sin, my girlfriend and me,

Set free, I don’t know who that will be.

Or I do, but I don’t want to say freely

The truth about this girl and me.

lol.....fun.

Liz

I thought about you today.  

I thought about that time in training when we crashed at your place.

You didn’t even know I was there until I came out of the room.

And with out question, you made me coffee and food

Because you knew that I needed to be on my way.

Couldn’t stay, even forgot to say thanks.

I never saw you again, over the next few weeks we’d miss eachother in passing.

I’d be coming and you’d be going, going to work or classes.

But I remember you taking care of me that day in your dorm,

Disheveled, clothes torn, which was, honestly, the norm.

I never got to see you again.  It was an IED, they say.

Patrols around the border of Iraq and Kuwait.

It was sad.  I was sad.  I was sad that I didn’t 

Say thanks or repay you for the time in the kitchen.

Or to get to know you, because you seemed cool,

You could have hung out with the crew from school.

I didn’t know you as well as most, but I remember your sacrifice,

And your life, just as precious as any other life,

I hope it wasn’t given in vain, as I wish for the many that died.

We’ll press on to our goal to do whats right,

Hopefully what we do will coincide 

with the principles that you lived by.